Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - January 2008

05/01/08  ||  Global Domination

Primordial: To the nameless dead

6.2/10

Lord K: Primordial’s got their moments. They might be few but at least there are moments where I actually find myself liking what they do. At times the guitars create an atmosphere that reminds me of a simpler Opeth but with a way, way worse vocalist. Some of the ideas definitely work but in the long run these lengthy tracks do not grab me by the cock me as much as they should. I was never a fan of Celtic influences and all that shit, so I guess Primordial’s not for me after all. And it’s not bothering me the least when I think about it. 4

Ripper: This album leaves an impression on me which is so thin that it’s untraceable even by the fucken Navy C.I.S. 3

Stephen Fallen: I’ll finish my review of this album someday. Until then, just know that “To the Nameless Dead” was the best metal album released in 2007. 9

Abyss: Celtic metal-warriors who are something of a hidden gem amongst the European metal scene but who would be next to nothing without unique singer Nemtheanga. The music is not bad but it’s slightly anonymous (especially when dragged out in 8+ min songs!) compared to the vocals who steals the spotlight with every line sung. For the full Nemtheanga experience (with great music to back him up) I recommend “Accuser/Opposer” from Marduk’s latest album “Rom 5:12”. 7

Hanging Limbs: Irish potato metal. Having not listened to this band since “A Journey’s End” so long ago, I was surprised to see they were even still around, let alone this awesome. This should tide you over until the next Agalloch cd comes out in 2010. 8

Eric W.: Ireland, the land of hearts, stars, and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons! Pots of gold and rainbows, and me red balloons! Oh… also Primordial, one of the most consistent bands around now releasing smash after smash, to say the least the band is fucking brilliant. “To The Nameless Dead” is one of my favorites, maybe not top five but top ten for sure. 9

Division By Zero: Tyranny of therapy

6.0/10

Lord K: A brand new acquaintance this one. Except for the 3 useless one-minute intro-things on here, “Tyranny of therapy” is a quite a goodie. Think some semi-brutality mixed up with (among other things) Dream Theater, Opeth, Katatonia and Faith No More. While the music is rather technical and impressive without losing any groove, the clean vocals is what finally gives Division By Zero their own unique sound. Quite original, but not really. Quite killer, but mostly in smaller doses. DBZ’s a definite promise for the future when it comes to making interesting music. I have faith in this unit. 7

Ripper: Quite a little surprise here. DBZ were the first band from this AA to make me look up from my holiday chores (yes, I bake cookies) and I will give this fucker a couple more spins for fucken sure. I can’t put my finger on their influences, but they managed to sound familiar and unique at the same time, if that makes any sense. I’m sure they’ll grow on me. 7

Stephen Fallen: (Opeth + Ayreon + Dream Theater) – (originality + songwriting ability) = “Tyranny of Therapy”. Division by Zero is aping the big prog/metal bands of the past 10 years and doing nothing that marks this album as their own. There’s potential, but they’ve got a long way to go. 5

Abyss: Polish death/prog/electronica isn’t something you hear every day but since the fucking Poles seem to excel in most other music-styles I don’t know why I’m surprised to find that this rocks! The spoken part in “True peak” reeks of cheese but except for that song, all I can hear is Porcupine Tree’s anabolic brother trying to wrestle the crown from Steve Wilson’s hands. Division By Zero doesn’t succeed but give them another album or two and I think old Steve better watch out. 7

Hanging Limbs: Calculator metal that takes a bunch of good ideas, multiplies that by some bad ideas, and then divides it by zero. If I’m doing my math right, the result should be suck. It’s actually not terrible, but far from recommendable…unless the mere thought of Opeth creates a pulsation down under. 4

Eric W.: Pretty damn good progressive metal/rock/whatever, with a really great synth sound and some cool studio trickery. It’s a shame that a lot of their stuff sounds like Dream Theater with some Opeth thrown in; can there please be more prog metal bands that are not Dream Theater worship? 6

The Ordher: Weaponize

5.8/10

Lord K: The Ordher almost annihilates all competition here. The Ordher stands victorious together with Sotajumala for me in this Audio Autposy. They blast and groove their way thru my new flat like they think there’s too much bullshit in this AA. And they are right. Thank you fuckers, you made my day and helped to save this edition for me. 8

Ripper: Fuck me sideways! An even harsher wake-up call for the tired Mister Ripper. I fucking love it when I am almost crying with boredom and then some fucken band slaps me upside the head. Fucken Satan, thank you! 8

Stephen Fallen: Bordher disordher recordher wardher reordher boardher. 3

Abyss: Brazil seems to have lost its momentum as a metal country after the rise of Sepultura, Krisiun and Rebaelliun. At least I haven’t heard of any new bands from the land of thongs and favelas until The Ordher gave me a swift kick in the shins and grabbed my attention. How it sounds? Well they’re signed to Unique Leader and have Fabio Penna of Rebaelliun on guitars… Yep, we got fast virtuoso death metal with great solos and melodies together with really solid drumming, but unlike Rebaelliun, with an identity of their own. Great stuff! 8

Hanging Limbs: A box of Twinkies has more good riffs than this amateur shit. Believe it or not, death metal needs more than brutality and heaviness. Even Possessed would say this songwriting sucks. 3

Eric W.: What did I do in a past life to deserve to have to sift through all of this? Horribly under-produced death metal with some okay riffs but they play them too fast to actually take them in. Speed, tightness, slightly technical, and though they’re not terrible I don’t really like it very much. 5

Sotajumala: Teloitus

5.5/10

Lord K: Death metal sung in Finnish, what are the odds for that to work? Pretty fucken damn good. If I pretend that Sotomayouruleallpenis are from the States, this is definitely one of the best bands out of the US death metal scene as of late. Suomi Finland Perkele! 8

Ripper: I fucken love it when I am being shaken awake by brutal, excellent deathmetality.
Kiitos for surprise buttsechs, you glorious sons of bitches! 8

Stephen Fallen: As far as no frills, kick ass death metal goes it doesn’t get much better than “Teloitus”. 7

Abyss: My first and only exposure to Sotajumala (which I’m sure is Finnish for “All the other names are taken”) was as opening band to Defleshed when they visited Umeå. Needless to say the headliners wiped the floor with the poor Finns. I can’t recall them sounding quite so slow and shapeless as this. Granted, a lot can happen in 4 years (the time it took between the first and second album) but when “Teloitus” sounds like this, I don’t really care to dig deeper in Sotajumalas discography. 3

Hanging Limbs: If this was a Stevie Wonder covers album, it would be called “Songs in the Key of Suck”. 3

Eric W.: Besides the fact most of the members have a “just escaped from a freak show” look, their death metal with the extremely triggered drumming and repeating riffs does not make for a good listening experience. 4

Ava Inferi: The silhouette

5.0/10

Lord K: Put together melancholy, operatic chick vocals, doomy riffs, a good production, pianos, moody passages, nice guitar harmonies and some really interesting ideas and you end up with Ava Inferi. Definitely a nice effort on all accounts. 7

Ripper: Not half as bad as I feared them to be. Quite good actually. 6

Stephen Fallen: If you like dreary, boring songs that are long for the sake of being long and female vocals that are female for the sake being female, then this is the album for you!! 3

Abyss: Behind this doom metal band stands Mayhem’s primus motor Blasphemer together with his wife Carmen on vocals and what they, together with two musicians no one cares about, have created proves that the possible demise of Mayhem might not be the end of Blasphemer’s career. The type of doom presented here are somewhere in the middle, speed-wise, and are mostly carried forth by Carmen’s charming voice rather than any extraordinary musical tricks. It’s not the best (or most depressing) doom I’ve heard but it’s far, far from the worst. But honestly, without the vocals I wouldn’t really be interested. 5

Hanging Limbs: Is it a coincidence that this cd comes with a free night cap? 2

Eric W.: A fine doomy gothic metal type band with the guitarist from Mayhem, with of course, female vocals. It’s really nice, atmospheric, the lady can fucken sing. Problem is, it sounds like a lot of the other bands out there, though much MUCH better. Great songwriting and creative riffs, played extremely tight. Recommended for fans of bands like Virgin Black. 7

Lay Down Rotten: Reconquering the pit

5.0/10

Lord K: How many times need I say this? If you’re a drummer and can’t play a good, steady fast beat – don’t play it at all. There are few things as irritating as a drummer cheating in the fast sections. And if he’s got a shit-sound (mainly the snare) to go with it, it won’t help that the actual music is competent and somewhat catchy at times, the damage is already done. It’s obvious that it’s too fucken easy to release an album these days. 5

Ripper: See my comment on “Impaled” to understand why nothing interesting is being written here. 5

Stephen Fallen: “Reconquering the Pit” isn’t bad, but how much hook leaden death metal do I need? In 2007 alone I’ve covered Laethora, Insision, Fleshcrawl, Amoral, Zonaria, Dimension Zero and at least 8 or 9 more bands I can’t remember. This album isn’t bad, it’s just redundant. 5

Abyss: When you’re 10 years too late to the party, why even bother showing up? LDR has got the style and sound right but when it’s all been done before I can’t really be arsed. A shame, because the songs aren’t bad per se. 6

Hanging Limbs: This is what happens when you let the fat guy name the band. “Reconquering the Pit” is not quite melodic and not quite brutal death metal, but there is just enough catchiness and groove to make it worth a few spins. Their vocalist should have a beard-off with K. 6

Eric W.: OH NO! More JUMP DA FUK UP, but this time in a Black Dahlia Murder and deathcore fashion. New name, new people, same old shit. 3

Impaled: The last gasp

4.8/10

Lord K: Impaled surprised me a little with this since I expected a full-on brutal death metal assault. Can’t really say I’m all that familiar (or familiar at all is a better way to put it) with Impaled’s past and I’m pretty damn sure I’ll let it stay that way after listening to “The last gasp”. Non-impressive but decent (death) metal that you have heard millions of times before, both executed better and worse by other bands. 5

Ripper: One of the things you learn pretty fast when writing an Audio Autopsy is that you’ll run out of kind words pretty fast in account of so much shit and mediocrity being around nowadays. The average percentage of 5 point albums must be around 80 or so. So yeah, here’s 5 well-deserved points for not moving my ass at all. 5

Stephen Fallen: Solid, gory death metal—Carcass worshippers rejoice! The rest of the world should probably pass on “The Last Gasp”. 5

Abyss: There are some nice riffs and ideas here but when you play gore/death I expect you to be awesome all the time or else I’m just gonna forget you in 10 minutes. After 10 years you’d think Impaled would’ve known that… 5

Hanging Limbs: Is this the Carcass reunion I keep hearing about? I kid. Impaled are nowhere near as rotten or fun as they were when “The Dead Shall Remain Dead” was released. You can even say parts of this album are a bit boring. An average effort from the band with the best (worst) album covers since Scorpions’ “Virgin Killer”. 5

Eric W.: Before I dig into this, let me state I do have a grudge against the guys in Impaled/Ghoul, but I will try not to let that get in the way. This album has the same problem as Ghoul has, they use the same riff stolen from Heartwork and then add some sort of melodic but to try and make is sound epic. I like Heartwork better when Carcass did it. Though people do rave about this band, it’s as Chuck D once said, “Don’t believe the hype!“ 4

Mystic Prophecy: Satanic curses

4.8/10

Lord K: The “Worst bandname” winner of this edition. They also win the awards for “Worst vocalist” and “Most useless album”. As you can see, these guys are winners in all areas. Also, bands like this should be punished for using anything Satan-related in their titles. Satan belongs to us. You can use dragons, rainbows, thunder and cheese in your shit. Fuck off, Mystic Penis. 3

Ripper: I could do better with a shoebox, a trapped tarantula and a wet handkerchief.
NEXT! 3

Stephen Fallen: Here’s some power metal that isn’t god awful. There are actually some balls on display, a rarity for the genre. 6

Abyss: Judging from the band name and album title I had this pegged as total fucking Germanic shite but luckily Mystic Penis aren’t quite that embarrassing. Compared to most other power metal-bands there’s actually a fair amount of !POWER! to be found here. As of now Mystic Prophecy sounds like the slightly less sophisticated cousin of Nocturnal Rites. I just wish the vocalist had slightly more range and variation to his voice. 5

Hanging Limbs: Let the flagellation begin. I absolutely hate myself for liking this as much as I do, but MP’s thrashy power metal is much heavier than the usual pink fluffington that stinks up the style. 7

Eric W.: “Mystic Prophecy” poses the question, does power metal sound better when the lyrics are about hell and demons? Answer; no. 5

Bloodsimple: Red harvest

4.7/10

Lord K: At times Bloodsimple sound ok, even if it’s only for very short passages. Their lyrics and misplaced influences get ridiculous pretty fast though. There are too many fucken ingredients in this to make it a great soup. 5

Ripper: As an avid cook I applaud their way of putting everything they have in their kitchen into one pan and frying it crispy. From a music-lover’s perspective – I don’t. 4

Stephen Fallen: Add another band to the endless quagmire of tedious metalcore bands. “Red Harvest” would have forgettable in 2002. In 2007 it’s downright embarrassing. 3

Abyss: Founded by ex-members of Vision of Disorder I was afraid that Bloodsimple would be another tired metalcore shitpile. Thankfully they proved to be more like a mix of Prong and Transport League and (dare I say it?) Korn without the most overt nu-metal (t)rapping(s). In other words; groovy, easily digested metal with a fairly low sustainability. Fair enough. 6

Hanging Limbs: With a name like Blood Simple, I was expecting lots of grind with movie samples. Instead, they deliver a heavy rock ‘n metal album that borrows as much from Mastodon as it does from Pantera. The insane catchiness and dearth of melodic death metal will help you overlook the often juvenile lyrics. Huge surprise here. 7

Eric W.: Not as terrible as I thought it would be, but it’s still annoying JUMP DA FUK UP type music, just sometimes they have a kind of Cynic style. Isn’t Bloodsimple a movie with Clint Eastwood? 3

The Equinox Of The Gods: Fragments of lust and decay

4.5/10

Chazz: I don’t know about the other guys, but I thought this was a nice surprise. Totally unexpected considering the members, but not all bad. 6

Ripper: I liked their one album with the Scarecrow song which was kinda cool. But from what I have heard here things have gone kinda downhill. 4

Stephen Fallen: Circle the choice that best describes you:

1.) I am a sad vampire that lives alone in the east tower of an ancient castle. I have spent my eternal life reflecting on the nature of my curse and contemplating the freedom of death’s sweet embrace.

2.) I am not #1.

If you circled choice number one, “Fragments of Lust and Decay” is the album for you. If you circled number two, steer clear. 4

Abyss: When I read that this band features (or have) guys like Daniel Dlimi (Aeon), Arttu Malkki (ex-Aeon) and Jocke Wassberg (Souldrainer) I was fully expecting a death metal holocaust of no small proportions. What I instead got was cabaret-like gothicly tinged metal with a lot of debts to both Notre Dame, Devil Doll and King Diamond. Very confusing. As of now, I don’t really know if I like this or not. It’s quite over the top and charming in all its theatrics, but I don’t know if the song material itself is very strong. 4

Hanging Limbs: What is this, a pirate tribute to Nightwish? Yar, this be Fuckin’ terrible! 2

Eric W.: Never heard of this band, probably never would have… but I actually like this. Sure, it’s just the chick singing with the guy doing death metal, but it still sounds extremely original and experimental. This is the kind of thing I’d listen to again. 7

The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza: Danza II – The electric boogaloo

4.4/10

Chazz: I’ve never really been into the crazy spaz hardcore shit, but these guys are a little easier to listen to the rest. I love the song titles, so bonus points there. 4

Stephen Fallen: These Tony Danza worshippers do the spastic, grind/hardcore/metal thing pretty well. They’re like the poor man’s Burnt by the Sun. 6

Abyss: The name alone made me very skeptical of this band and I wasn’t totally surprised to hear that they play grind/metalcore with a “funny” twist. And I wasn’t totally surprised to find that I was less than impressed and that the twists wasn’t very funny at ax ll.2

Hanging Limbs: Spastic grindcore with about as much innovation and spirit as a Yugo. Good in small doses, nauseating in large ones. 4

Eric W.: I’m assuming my fellow staffers will be mocking the band’s name, but since I had heard their first album when it came out, I don’t actually mind the goofy name. Very chaotic and pissed off, similar to Converge but not as noisy, I’m sure if you like modern hardcore you’ll really dig this, but it really does nothing for me. 6

Avatar: Schlacht

4.0/10

Lord K: Avatar looks like a bunch of full-fledged homosexuals in some of the promoshots I’ve seen. Luckily their taste for (and ability to create) metal isn’t as awful as those photos and “Schlacht” ends up being another decent piece of plastic, with annoying vocals though, that stays with its feet firmly on already explored ground. And that’s the whole problem. In Flames did this better in 1992 and they do this better in 2000-whatever as well. Avatar are followers, not originators. I crave more to be impressed. 6

Ripper: In Flames carbon copy number 24281836681 times ten. NEXT! 5

Stephen Fallen: Add another band to the endless quagmire of tedious metalcore bands. “Schlact” would have forgettable in 2002. In 2007 it’s downright embarrassing. 3

Abyss: Melodic death painted by the numbers. The only thing remotely brow-raising about “Schlacht” is Johannes hysterical vocals which amps up the annoyment-level with about 500%. They must have sucked a whole lot of roadie-semen to be allowed to open up for In Flames on tour. 3

Hanging Limbs: Finally, a band named after the little picture in each of my forum posts. This album came out about 10 years too late to be considered anything more than a decent melodic death metal release from…ta da! Sweden! 5

Eric W.: In Flames worship with horrible vocals, and extremely corny riffs. Nothing else to say, other than I hope I never have to listen to this again. 2

Pagans Mind: God’s equation

4.0/10

Lord K: Band names are quite an issue… You can tell that all the decent ones are already taken when you have to deal with a band called Pagans Mind. You can also tell that all the good riffs and songs have already been composed when you listen to bands like Pagans Mind. In the midst of all falsettos, half-metal, keyboards and shit, Pagans Mind ends up being another useless band for a useless generation, though they do their shit all fine. The problem is that they are playing a style of music that is nothing but hideous most of the time. Can’t deny they obviously know what they are doing though. 4

Ripper: Pagan’s Wossname don’t really give me a boner. Quite the opposite actually. This stuff is so metrosexual that my penis is virtually concave now. 3

Stephen Fallen: A cover of a song written by David Bowie and Brian Eno? Cool! Oh, it’s “Hallo Spaceboy”? Never mind. As for the rest of the album… I think I’ll stick with Ayreon for my nerdy, prog-inspired space operas. 5

Abyss: Mystic Prophecy managed to not suck 100%. Will Pagans Mind’s brand of progressive power metal impress me equally? Well it would’ve if it weren’t for the minor fact that there are not a whole lot of catchy hooks to be found on “God’s equation”. Something of a problem when you’re making music as commercial as this, I’d say. The progressive portion of the music is fleeting at best and awkward-sounding at worst, which leaves us with standard power metal. Something that’s defiantly been done before. 3

Hanging Limbs: Hallo Spaceboy? What the fuck? Listen to S.P.O.C.K. instead. Mystic Prophecy was just a diversion. Now I remember why people hate this type of shit on GD. 2

Eric W.: Now, I like Pagans Mind, so I somewhat looked forward to their new disc. It turned out that it’s more of the same, which is not a bad thing at all! Really heavy power filled crunchy riffs with a variety of sounds and vocal styles. The real big problem I had with it was the terrible Bowie cover, I don’t know why they choose to include it, but it’s not enough to bring the whole show down. 7

Seven Witches: Deadly sins

3.8/10

Lord K: Seven Witches should be reduced to no witches at all. And please, can someone turn the kicks up a bit in the mix? Not. 3.

Ripper: Seven witches, zero fun, one bored review-monkey, three fucken points. 3

Stephen Fallen: “Deadly Sins” is straight 80’s heavy metal with a modern production for a little extra punch. I could drink and bang my head to this. 6

Abyss: Never heard of this band before but I wasn’t shocked that its main songwriter had been in Metalium and as a live-guitarist for Savatage, as there’s traces of both bands here. This heavy metal concoction isn’t usually what I listen to but the musical skills are glaringly obvious and I can’t help but dig this a little. I think Seven Witches and Sadus should start writing music together. DiGiorgio would do magic with songs like this. A big plus for the great vocals; raspy and ballsy with enough high-end to keep things power metal-ish. Fuck, this guy should sing for Mystic Prophecy! 6

Hanging Limbs: I’m noticing a trend in January’s AA. If your band name contains a number, your album will suck. Division By Zero. Seven Witches. Hidden somewhere on this page is Einstein’s formula for shitty metal. 3

Eric W.: Terrible project of ex-Savatage guitarist Jack Frost. His best days are very much over but it seems he thinks he and his music are still hip and relevant. Not so. 2

Tarja Turunen: My winter storm

3.5/10

Lord K: The return of the cumbucket is upon us! Does the former Nightfish gal belong in Audio Autopsy? Sure, why the fuck not? This album holds parts that is definitely on par, or more, metal than Nightwish ever managed to compose. I can do without all the fucken pretentious bullshit ballads though. Good work, bitch. 7

Ripper: Better than the new Nightfish output. Who would have thought? Is she writing her own music? Or is her hubby doing that for her as well? 7

Stephen Fallen: This is a joke, right? 3

Abyss: If it weren’t for the fact that Tarja has sung in Nightwish (whose metal credentials are sketchy at best, to be honest) she would never be featured on GD. The music here has nothing to do with metal music at all (except that it features distorted guitars, which would make Shakira metal as well) and if I were to find this next to Il Divo or Sarah Brightman in a shop I wouldn’t be at all surprised. With that set straight; it’s quite ironic that Tarja has never sounded more at home in a musical environment then she does now. This blend of pop and faux-classical music fits her very well and her voice actually sounds good. Interestingly enough the songwriting is a lot better than anything Tuomas Holopainen has ever written. But for a metal site, this has no place here. 2

Hanging Limbs: Do you hear that? That’s the sound of Tarja knocking on Nightwish’s door, begging for her job back. This is a stunning achievement in suck. 1

Eric W.: Ah, the good ol’ semen soaker is back with her “fuck you guys, I can make a good album myself” CD. If Hell exists, and it is in the way of having a personal hell, mine would be locked in a room with this playing at an extremely loud level for the rest of eternity. It’s Nightwish, but even worse, if that’s at all possible. For all you elves who might be pissed at this review… cum bucket cum bucket cum bucket. Fuck you all. 1